Reflections..or..Real talk, lets do it

So, lets just get this over with, shall we?

I’m Shyntae, I’m 29 and I have Multiple Sclerosis. I got diagnosed by the age of 25..ish, it was probably a few months before I turned 25, anywho, I had my entire life in front of me before I got the diagnosis. I only found out because I almost went blind in my left eye. I ignored the numbness of my left leg for months, thinking it was just a nerve in my neck messing up due to a previous whip-lash injury. Turns out it wasn’t. I had MS.

This crushed me. Seriously, I went home and crashed on my couch and cried for hours. This was just shy of a year of losing my father, my best friend in this world. I thought losing him would be the worst thing to happen to me in many, many years. Turns out it wasn’t..at all. The pain of that diagnosis..the confusion, the fear, the sheer panic I felt can not compare to anything else I have ever experienced..ever.

I was lucky..I think, as lucky as you can get with MS anywho. I have _the_ leading doctor of MS in Sweden, which is a good thing for me. But that also means he is very busy and can’t see me as much as I’d like to, nor talk to me to calm me down. The first meeting I had with him was basically “Oh, it could be MS, but nah, lets not say that for now, this could be a whole lot of other things, so don’t worry about it for now” and the second meeting with him going  “Yep, I’ts MS, lets get these tests done. I’m sure you suspected it by now..but lets just get it confirmed”. And they did..as they held me down..with a needle in my spine to get some fluids to confirm my diagnosis, as I tried to breathe through a pillow as my nurses tried to pet me soothingly.

I had to take a cab home from the hospital,  as a bus-ride was just too rough. I had to call my boyfriend home from work, so he could take care of me for the day, because I was just incapable of it. I just could’t. I stayed in a horizontal position, as ordered by my nurses, for the entire day. Seriously, lumbar punctures suck and they are scary as hell.

Those nurses…honestly, if it wasn’t for them I would have gone nuts by now. They have kept me calm, they have called me to make sure I was alright. They address me by name, because they do remember me, and whatever I told them. I can not give praise to them enough for what they have done for me, and I love them for it.

As for my doctor..well, as I said he is the leading doctor of MS in Sweden, so I am very grateful I have him, honestly, he is the best. He is just so very busy with all the meetings, with learning new things, all the seminars he goes too. I am lucky to have him, because it means I have a doctor who keeps on top on things..and the same goes for the nurses who works under him. They keep up to date on all the new meds, all the new discoveries concerning MS, everything I need to know, and they are all too happy to answer any and all questions I have.

So..the reason I brought this up?

Well, several reasons actually.

I’ve been meaning to talk  about this for a long while, it was just hard for me to find the words to get started, but a comment from Tyr on Plurk really set it off today (<3 Thank you, but I am not “The Boss” . I just deal with what I have to, every day. If I didn’t find the humor in this, Id be going crazy by now)

If I didn’t have a sense of humor, anything at all, to keep me from going crazy, the MS would have dragged me down years ago. Knowing I might just wake up tomorrow, unable to walk, or see, or feel some parts of my body? That is scary as hell, because it just might happen any day. But if I let this get to me, I might as well just lay down and die and give up. I will not give up to this.

I will not let MS get to me.

Sure, it is a diagnosis of a horrible, scary, disease, which might get me any day and cripple me. But I will not let it get to me. No way, no how.

As I sit here, the entire left side of my body twitching and turning as it wants to without any regards to me I say; Fuck you MS..I will not let you get me. You can not bring me down. I will continue to enjoy my life, my Second life, my store, the music I love, the people I love. The fact I can see, or walk, or feel. Whatever you want to take away from me, I will not let you, I will fight you tooth and nail and not fucking let you.

One of these days they will find a cure…and I will be alive to receive it…because we are not far from it.

Multiple Sclerosis is an ugly disease..a scary disease…but I, or anyone else suffering from it, will not let it get us down. We’ll take it..we’ll joke about it. We live with it, we know just how bad and how random it is and how it strikes, but we will never let it break our spirit.

Never.

With that said..I know I cry about it at times, because it is just so fucking unfair. Seriously, just as unfair as cancer, and several other diseases. This is something that will eventually kill me. But what can I do?

I can’t, so I’ll just enjoy my life for now.

Want to know what enrages me the most? It’s not the fact I have it. I can live with MS. I can live with the fact that one of these days I’ll be confined to a wheelchair..the thing that enrages me the most is that it is so random. It just strikes when it wants to. Wherever it feels it wants to strike. My best friend has it too. She got diagnosed just a month or two away from when I did, and right now, all I want to do is go outside and shout at the Universe “This isn’t fair. Just cut it out…stop it”

Fuck off from my friend, leave her alone. I love her so much I’d give up anything..but no, I can’t..because MS. Fuck you MS. I love her, leave her alone, let her live her life in happiness and peace, let her be the person she is meant to be. Take me instead, I can take it.

But it will not stop. Not yet. More and more people will get MS.

Until we find a cure.

We haven’t yet…but I am keeping my hopes up. We will…one of these day. I know it. I just hope it is before I am stuck to a wheelchair.

That is all.

 

Details on clothes and such, cause I’m sure you want it..despite this long and rambling post:

Skin: [Pink Fuel] Sora <Alabaster> – Natural (previous Futurewave)
Hair: Exile::Shine (The Arcade)
Eyes: .ID. Purple-Pink Flare (previous Arcade item) and PMD – Era Eyes – 4
Horns: :[Plastik]:- Living Light Horns
Collar: …::: Scrub :::… Like a Nun Collar (WCF 3)
Hands: Slink Female Feet (AvEnhance)
Nailpolish: PMD – Grimmur
Shirt: *Fishy Strawberry* New York Deep V (collabor88)
Pants: ISON – work it trousers (Collabor88)
Shoes: [L.Warwick] Ibis -Platform Heels- Noir

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and the moonlight…

I feel like such a horrible person every time I blog something and I have forgotten to grab the credits for whoever did the poses. Seriously you guys! Poses are what makes our pictures come to life, to speak, to convey an emotion, and here I am being a sucky blogger forgetting to note down which poses I used. I apologize for this so very much and hope you will forgive me one of these days..all I can say I do believe at least one of these poses is from Diesel Works..the other..hm..might be Glitterati, might be Bang, might be Exposeur, as those are the ones I usually go for.

I also, in parts, blame my airheadedness as of late on being _very_ busy irl with helping out finishing up a cover for a band of some dear friends of mine. Yes, those are my hands (no judging, they are actually quite nice and small irl >.> The keys are just big)  I did model for that cover, as well as help, quite a lot in fact, to finish up the Photoshop work on that cover. Give it a click if you are even remotely interested in Black Metal or Death Metal. I do like it, and so far, the band has gotten some sweet feedback and reviews.

Now, enough about that and my RL, back to SL.

I was originally planning on blogging some other pictures today, as I’ve had those lying around on the harddrive for what feels like a week now..but meh, I kinda fell in love with this look, so here we are. Plus, I am notoriously lazy, and these pictures only took like 10 minutes to edit. And by edit I mean, add some blur to even out the reflection on the water. Seriously, LL? When are we going to get good reflections working? I know I can get decent enough, but that would require me to make my images waaay larger, and when I do that, I get the square bug. That square bug is getting old by now, and I mean Mesozoic-era old.

Skin: [Pink Fuel] Sora <Alabaster> – Special Edition (FutureWave – now closed event)
Hair: TRUTH HAIR Maisy – black & whites
Eyes: .ID. Flare / The Arcade / Purple-Pink (previous Arcade) and PMD – Era
Collar: :[Plastik]:-FLF- Morrigan Outfit
Dress: [ SAKIDE ] Satine Gown Red (Serafilms, until the 31:st)
Feet and hands: Slink AvEnhance
Nailpolish: PMD – Lined
Shoes: [L.Warwick] Ibis -Platform Heels- Noir

The fading night

Skin: Glam Affair – Renee – Sinless 02
Hair: Tameless Hair Michelle – Mega Pack
Eyes: Insufferable Dastard and Violet Studios
Makeup: PMD – Winter
Dress: [ SAKIDE ] Ornament Dress Black (Frost)
Socks and shoes: *X*plosion Tingly Outfit (WhiteBlack)
Skybox: [ba] snowy city loft (Collabor88)
Furniture: Trompe Loeil – Club Chair (Collabor88)
Poses by: Exposeur and Bent

Sun won’t shine

So little time, so much shopping to be done *runs about*

Fameshed just opened again with another round of goodies, like this bed from Trompe Loeil, Baffle is having a closing sale. Then there is this new hair from Tameless, new shoes, pants and other goodies from Maitreya and this comfy poncho from SAKIDE to be found in the Fake Baked Turkey hunt at Jersey Shore.

Skin: -Glam Affair- Roza – Natural 03
Hair: Tameless Hair Nanette
Eyes: .ID. Dilated
Poncho: [ SAKIDE ] Autumnal Cutie Outfit for FBTH
Pants: Maitreya Stefani Pants * Dark
Shoes: Maitreya Gold * Suave Raven
Skybox: Baffle! [Le Petit Reve.]
Bed: Trompe Loeil – Barrel Beds for FaMESHed

Cinema

Cinema, the new event brought to you by the same people who did Festival of Sin, is looking like an awesome event. It is not quite open for visitors yet, but once it is I will post a slurl here. For now you can enjoy me, and many other bloggers teasers, or check out the Flickr group if you are impatient.

Keep in mind when you do go there, the build is in mesh, and so are many of the items..and as always, try to keep scripts to a minimum to keep lag down.

The theme is, as you can see, Cinema. The genres represented are romance, action/adventure, scifi, horror, fantasy/musical, film noir and XXX.

I tried to make these pictures slightly Noir by fading out most of the colours and the fact that this outfit is found in the Noir part of the event. When you do get there, remember, you haven’t crashed, everything is actually black and white :p

Skin: -Glam Affair- Roza – Natural 03
Hair: [LeLutka]-JOLIE hair
Eyes: .ID. Dilated
Eyeshadow: PMD – Those Smokey Eyes from the [ SAKIDE ] Graceful Dress Noire (Cinema)
Lipstick: Curio christmas gift
Outfit: [ SAKIDE ] Black Dahlia Dress (Cinema)
Shoes: Compulsion ‘Sin’
Location: Sound stage one

Feel it

Full length latex mesh dress? Why yes, I do believe I need it. I even managed to sit on my inner prude and stop her from putting on a bra, cause meh, it’s sexy but not over the top.

Skin: Glam Affair – Lilith Creatura -FAIR event
Hair: TuTy’s GENIUS high ponytail
Eyes: .ID. Creature of the Night – White Hot Fury
Eyeliner: PMD – Liner 6
Outfit: DD Stiletto – black mesh dress outfit
Backdrop: [LA] Display Window Mannequin
Poses: {.:exposeur:.} and -.label motion.-

It’s playtime

Omnomnom..I mean >.> Um, new awesomescause tub from Trompe Loeil at Fameshed, so I kinda had to drag my male alt and hubby into this picture.

Details, from left to right

Moordh:
Skin: ~Tableau Vivant~ Damon
Hair: *SH* Bou Hair
Eyes: .ID. Fairy Tale Realism Eyes / Brown
Beard: VCD – Express Yourself Facial Hair – Style

Me:
Skin: Glam Affair – Cassiopea – Europa
Hair: /Wasabi Pills/ Cherilyn Mesh Hair
Eyes: .::Kre-ation:: . – Sinner eyes and make up [Horror Haute]
Nails: :{MV}: Widow Nails [Horror Haute]

House: [ba] Paris Penthoues
Bathub with accessories: Trompe Loeil – Morning Light Bathtub

Rei:
Skin : ~Tableau Vivant~ Ryan skin
Eyes : The Plastik – Haunt Collection-SheThing
Hair base : AITUI – Etched Hair Base
Tattoo : AITUI TATTOO – To Kill a Bird, To Kill My Soul
Hair : *Dura-Boy23*
Gloves : SiniStyle Taped Fist
Necklace : [MANDALA] SHAMIRA DOG TAG Necklace
Watch : [MANDALA] HOKUSAI Bracelet

Towel and Pose : HISpose: “Draped” Series