Reflections..or..Real talk, lets do it

So, lets just get this over with, shall we?

I’m Shyntae, I’m 29 and I have Multiple Sclerosis. I got diagnosed by the age of 25..ish, it was probably a few months before I turned 25, anywho, I had my entire life in front of me before I got the diagnosis. I only found out because I almost went blind in my left eye. I ignored the numbness of my left leg for months, thinking it was just a nerve in my neck messing up due to a previous whip-lash injury. Turns out it wasn’t. I had MS.

This crushed me. Seriously, I went home and crashed on my couch and cried for hours. This was just shy of a year of losing my father, my best friend in this world. I thought losing him would be the worst thing to happen to me in many, many years. Turns out it wasn’t..at all. The pain of that diagnosis..the confusion, the fear, the sheer panic I felt can not compare to anything else I have ever experienced..ever.

I was lucky..I think, as lucky as you can get with MS anywho. I have _the_ leading doctor of MS in Sweden, which is a good thing for me. But that also means he is very busy and can’t see me as much as I’d like to, nor talk to me to calm me down. The first meeting I had with him was basically “Oh, it could be MS, but nah, lets not say that for now, this could be a whole lot of other things, so don’t worry about it for now” and the second meeting with him going  “Yep, I’ts MS, lets get these tests done. I’m sure you suspected it by now..but lets just get it confirmed”. And they did..as they held me down..with a needle in my spine to get some fluids to confirm my diagnosis, as I tried to breathe through a pillow as my nurses tried to pet me soothingly.

I had to take a cab home from the hospital,  as a bus-ride was just too rough. I had to call my boyfriend home from work, so he could take care of me for the day, because I was just incapable of it. I just could’t. I stayed in a horizontal position, as ordered by my nurses, for the entire day. Seriously, lumbar punctures suck and they are scary as hell.

Those nurses…honestly, if it wasn’t for them I would have gone nuts by now. They have kept me calm, they have called me to make sure I was alright. They address me by name, because they do remember me, and whatever I told them. I can not give praise to them enough for what they have done for me, and I love them for it.

As for my doctor..well, as I said he is the leading doctor of MS in Sweden, so I am very grateful I have him, honestly, he is the best. He is just so very busy with all the meetings, with learning new things, all the seminars he goes too. I am lucky to have him, because it means I have a doctor who keeps on top on things..and the same goes for the nurses who works under him. They keep up to date on all the new meds, all the new discoveries concerning MS, everything I need to know, and they are all too happy to answer any and all questions I have.

So..the reason I brought this up?

Well, several reasons actually.

I’ve been meaning to talk  about this for a long while, it was just hard for me to find the words to get started, but a comment from Tyr on Plurk really set it off today (<3 Thank you, but I am not “The Boss” . I just deal with what I have to, every day. If I didn’t find the humor in this, Id be going crazy by now)

If I didn’t have a sense of humor, anything at all, to keep me from going crazy, the MS would have dragged me down years ago. Knowing I might just wake up tomorrow, unable to walk, or see, or feel some parts of my body? That is scary as hell, because it just might happen any day. But if I let this get to me, I might as well just lay down and die and give up. I will not give up to this.

I will not let MS get to me.

Sure, it is a diagnosis of a horrible, scary, disease, which might get me any day and cripple me. But I will not let it get to me. No way, no how.

As I sit here, the entire left side of my body twitching and turning as it wants to without any regards to me I say; Fuck you MS..I will not let you get me. You can not bring me down. I will continue to enjoy my life, my Second life, my store, the music I love, the people I love. The fact I can see, or walk, or feel. Whatever you want to take away from me, I will not let you, I will fight you tooth and nail and not fucking let you.

One of these days they will find a cure…and I will be alive to receive it…because we are not far from it.

Multiple Sclerosis is an ugly disease..a scary disease…but I, or anyone else suffering from it, will not let it get us down. We’ll take it..we’ll joke about it. We live with it, we know just how bad and how random it is and how it strikes, but we will never let it break our spirit.

Never.

With that said..I know I cry about it at times, because it is just so fucking unfair. Seriously, just as unfair as cancer, and several other diseases. This is something that will eventually kill me. But what can I do?

I can’t, so I’ll just enjoy my life for now.

Want to know what enrages me the most? It’s not the fact I have it. I can live with MS. I can live with the fact that one of these days I’ll be confined to a wheelchair..the thing that enrages me the most is that it is so random. It just strikes when it wants to. Wherever it feels it wants to strike. My best friend has it too. She got diagnosed just a month or two away from when I did, and right now, all I want to do is go outside and shout at the Universe “This isn’t fair. Just cut it out…stop it”

Fuck off from my friend, leave her alone. I love her so much I’d give up anything..but no, I can’t..because MS. Fuck you MS. I love her, leave her alone, let her live her life in happiness and peace, let her be the person she is meant to be. Take me instead, I can take it.

But it will not stop. Not yet. More and more people will get MS.

Until we find a cure.

We haven’t yet…but I am keeping my hopes up. We will…one of these day. I know it. I just hope it is before I am stuck to a wheelchair.

That is all.

 

Details on clothes and such, cause I’m sure you want it..despite this long and rambling post:

Skin: [Pink Fuel] Sora <Alabaster> – Natural (previous Futurewave)
Hair: Exile::Shine (The Arcade)
Eyes: .ID. Purple-Pink Flare (previous Arcade item) and PMD – Era Eyes – 4
Horns: :[Plastik]:- Living Light Horns
Collar: …::: Scrub :::… Like a Nun Collar (WCF 3)
Hands: Slink Female Feet (AvEnhance)
Nailpolish: PMD – Grimmur
Shirt: *Fishy Strawberry* New York Deep V (collabor88)
Pants: ISON – work it trousers (Collabor88)
Shoes: [L.Warwick] Ibis -Platform Heels- Noir

Did you miss me?

While I was gone? Yeah, no, I doubt that. In parts because Kinu picked up my slack and blogged some stuff while I wasn’t blogging. Awesome pictures at that <3 She is getting so good. But also in parts because, hey, why should you care about me, right? I’m just yet another fashion bloggers among hundreds. I don’t make anything to stand out. I’m not one of those top 5 most important bloggers. I know this. And to be quite honest, I am not striving for it either.

I love my followers, I really do. I blog for you guys..but mostly, I blog for myself. Blogging isn’t just that for me. I don’t just blog. I experiment, I try new things, I sit through hours and hours of tutorials to pic up on new things. Some of those new things I pick up on end up on the blog, sure, some of those new things I learned end up incorporated into my store and the creations I make there.

Sure, some pictures may be “boring” or “standard” fashion blogging. I recognize that, and to be honest, there is nothing wrong with that either. Some days I just want to show off what I am wearing, without spending an hour finding a fitting location for the outfit, then another hour finding the exact right pose, then another two to four hours in photoshop editing that picture…and you know what? That’s fine. I seriously admire bloggers who can blog every day, day in and day out, just doing good pictures with whatever they are wearing.

But now..I feel like that just isn’t enough. Not for me. I want to really pour myself into my images. Just really stuff my personality into them. If that means I will do less posts? So be it.

 

I can live with that. Hell, I can even live with doing some of those “standard” or “boring” posts, just to show off what I am wearing..cause seriously, some days I just want to show of what I am wearing, cause I am fucking hawt :> Simple as that.

So yeah, I guess what I am saying, from now on I shall try to put more “me” into my pictures..good or bad. Mostly bad I think, cause I’m not that interesting to start with :P

Be it just me rambling about my day irl, my emotions, the music I am listening to, what I did in SL or whatnot, I feel like just blogging about what I am wearing isn’t enough anymore. I want to evolve. Second Life has done so much for me over the years. I have been here for over seven years by now, closing in on eight, and I can’t see myself leaving any time soon.

In Second Life I really discovered the creative side in me. I discovered new music, I made new friends, it helped form my creative side…and that creative side is what keeps me blogging. If I can’t keep developing my creative side, I have no idea what I would do with myself, seriously. Setting up pictures and tinkering away with them in Photoshop is almost like therapy to me. I love it.

So, there you have it, ramblings from me. What I want to say with all of this I do not know yet. I might just start getting even more creative, which I’ve wanted to do for a long while now..I might just start talking more, opening up more…taking more creative pictures,,,do more tutorials to share what I’ve learnt. I dunno really, I just felt I had to say this..and this is part of the reason I haven’t blogged in a while. I over-think everything I do and say, it’s just part of my nature.

Whatever happens, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.

 

aaand now for the credits of wtf Im wearing, which I guess is what you all are after, not my rambling.

Skin: Glam Affair – Candy skin – Europa 14 (The Arcade Gacha)
Hair: [LeLutka]-LIVELY hair/Dark Grayscale
Eyes: PMD – Erina (Released soon..somewhere <.> keep your eyes open *grins*)
Makeup: PMD – Darkside
Eyelashes: PMD – The skully lashes 1
Chest piercing: .:ellabella:. Ysandre Blogger Pack (We <3 RP)
Top: …::: Scrub :::… Just a Little Black Leather (Stalkerazzi)
Panties: [ SAKIDE ] Slide/Slide ’em off Panties FU Black
Stockings: BAX Ornament Leggings Bands
Thigh highs/shoes: [ SAKIDE ] Willful Velvet Thighs&Pumps Black
Hands: Slink AvEnhance Hands Female (Updated..no seriously, go update if you havent already!)
Nail appliers: PMD – Black and White
Tattoo: ~Cannibelle~ Efa Tattoo (Most probably no longer available)

Before we could walk, we were dancing

As a pose hoarder collector, Pose Fair is one event I eagerly await each year. This year Pose Fair runs from March 29th to April 14th. I will post way more, and will include a slurl once it is open for public, but for now you can have some teasers. All poses in today’s post are by Grafica, which is a new to me brand, but I’m liking it already. So much motion in their poses which are great for these types of pictures.

Skin: :Curio: Pout-Pure
Hair: ::Exile:: Bring it On!
Eyes: {D.A} Sinistre – Blind Grey
Eyeliner: -Glam Affair- Couture Eyeliner
Piercing: [ni.Ju] Devil’s Gangway Piercing
Horns: .ILLUSORY. Horns_1a
Earrings: :[P]:- Jestyr Earrings
Nails: ….::: Scrub :::… Break one’s Back
Outfit: *{ SeVered GarDeN }* ERIN Dark
Hooves: *Epic* Black Demon Legs
Tail: *Epic* Curvy Succubus’ Heart Tail
Poses: Grafica (Pose Fair)
Location

Fading

One more skin from Skin Fair, this time its Zara by Glam Affair. No words really needed when it comes to Glam Affairs skins, they are always gorgeous and fit me without needing to tweak my shape even a little.

Since I’m a bit of a ditz and forgot to take credits for everything in this post, it’s worth noting that the cabin in the background is by Trompe Loeil..it was covered in snow last time I showed it, but I kinda ripped that off, and now it fits in just fine on the more updated, summery homestead I live on.

Skin: Glam Affair – Zara
Hair: TRUTH HAIR London
Eyes: {D.A} Sinistre Eyes – Horror Edition
Eyeliner: -Glam Affair- Couture Eyeliner no no.05
Piercing: [ni.Ju] Devil’s Gangway Piercing
Nails: ….::: Scrub :::… Break one’s Back
Shirt: erratic / kenzy – glitter wraptop
Skirt: [ SAKIDE ] Nuance Folded Skirts Black
Poses: D.Luxx and oOo Studio

We can’t all be angels.

As promised, here are more Skin Fair previews. This skin is by Nuuna’s, and while it does come in a whole range of colours, I fell in love with this pale one. It also comes with a whole bunch of makeups like lipsticks, blush and eyeliners and also has several different eyebrows on tattoo layers.

The Pearl river gown by SAKIDE is available at Fashion for Life, which is still on for a few more days so you do have time to go pick it up. Seriously, you need to see this gown, the detailing down the back is just gorgeous.

Skin: +Nuuna+ Kati skin (Skin Fair)
Hair: [LeLutka]-CANTO hair – Fades Natural
Eyes: :[Plastik]:-Haunt Collection-Sickness (Skin Fair)
Makeup: Nuuna’s tattoo layer makeups v4
Piercing: [ni.Ju] Devil’s Gangway Piercing
Nails: ….::: Scrub :::… Break one’s Back
Dress: [ SAKIDE ] Pearl River Gown White RFL 2013
Poses: D.Luxx
Location: Haunted Mansion – A Strange Museum

 

What could possibly be better then chocolate?

Ah, that’s right, corsets.

Better then chocolate is this weeks challenge for the 50 Shades of Sexy challenge.

Skin: Glam Affair – Amberly
Hair: /Wasabi Pills/ Cookie Mesh Hair
Eyes: {D.A} Sinistre Eyes – Horror Edition
Eyeliner: -Glam Affair- Couture Eyeliner no.05
Eyeshadow: PMD – Simple Shadows
Necklace: MG – Necklace – Handcuff Set
Rings and nails: ….::: Scrub :::… Break one’s Back
Piercing: [ni.Ju] Devil’s Gangway Piercing
Shirt and panties: *X*plosion CollegeCombo
Corset: Schadenfreude Noir Something Wicked Corsets
Shoes: Maitreya Gold * Suave Raven
Poses: DeePosed – Exposeur – Adorkable

 

Wither away

Skin: -Glam Affair- Roza (Previous The Arcade Gacha)
Hair: [LeLutka]-LIVELY
Eyes: {D.A} Sinistre Eyes – Horror Edition
Piercing: .::Kre-ations:: Jestery piercing (Horror Haute)
Nails: ….::: Scrub :::… Break one’s Back
Collar and outfit: [SAKIDE] Raven Gown (Previous hunt gift)
Tattoo: S (and) P – Ecdysis Tattoo
Socks: :::Sn@tch Slick Leather Leggings:::
Shoes: :FANATIK: Classic Pumps Black